I pulled up to the Koopa Place around 11:30 that morning. World 1- Castle 1. You know the place. Everyone does. Not the best of neighborhoods. Turtledoves and Koopas everywhere. I had to do some serious stomping to get inside. By that time it was nearly noon. Looked like I was skipping lunch again.
Inside the castle, I had to run down a few hallways before I found the right room. Doorway so large, it might as well have been 16-bit. What did a guy need doors like that for inside a castle? I had a bad feeling about this. I punched a block, popped a mushroom, and tapped A. Time to go to work.
The boss room was nice, no doubt about it. Lava on the floor, sconces in the wall. And of course, no save point in sight. Come to think of it, I couldn't remember the last time I saved. Those are the kind of mistakes that cost lives. Oh, and did I mention the giant prehistoric turtle demon? Cause he was there too.
Bowser's not all bad. People don't see that. They just see this demonic looking refugee from a Ninja Turtles movie and immediately assume he's gotta be put down. But I've talked to the guy a few times. He's alright. He just has a thing for the sauce. And mushrooms. I've told him before to cut back. Once those things get in him, it's all "No one understands me" and "Why don't I have a girlfriend". Then next thing you know he's kidnapping princesses and spitting fire at Italian plumbers. And that's how I got here.
So I start jumping up and down, warming up a bit. Sure enough, Bowser starts his spiel, all "Why are you here? Leave us alone, we're just talking!". I join the conversation, compliments of my A button and my size 12s.
Bowser's a pretty tough nut to crack, but it's all about physiology. I read a book about it once. It's like how sharks don't like being hit in the nose. Bosses? Nine times outta ten, you just gotta go for the head. They can't handle it. Of course, Bowser's the exception. Jump on his head, and all you'll get is a personal visit with St. Peter. Just so happens yours truly knows his weak spot. I'm a professional. It's my job.
I'll be honest with you, there's nothing calms a guy down like getting dumped in lava. I'll never understand why Bowser installed a rickety rope bridge as the floor in his throne room. Or why he put a giant lever in the corner that drops the whole thing into a lake of molten rock. I'm just glad he did. And what did I get for all my work? Jack squat. That punk Mario goes and takes all the credit. Princess even gave him a kiss. I heard they're going steady now. But I imagine it won't be long till she calls me. With that stache, I bet the plumber's a wife beater.
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